5.13.2013

An Unexpected Season.

It's 1:40 AM, and I am trying to write this paper before finals hit me. It's so hard when I'm trying to process everything that happened today.

Let's just start with how faithful God is. Yeah, I know you probably hear it a lot. God is faithful! Just trust Him! I heard that in my head and from others this whole semester, and I thought I knew why I was hearing this. God is faithful, but He likes to surprise us. He likes to show us just how faithful He is to us. He loves to lavish His love on us. 

I thought that I was going to get an RA position when I applied in February. I thought in March I would get that "faithful" letter in the mail saying I had gotten the position. Instead a letter came telling me that I wouldn't be an RA. I was on the waiting list, but I couldn't hope for a position. I was so angry and confused at first, but then I was mostly confused. God so clearly told me He wanted me to serve in this position. However, I had to accept the fact that I wasn't going to get it. So I waited for another opportunity, but every opportunity that arose God ended up rejecting it for me. For a while, I thought I wasn't good enough. I thought, "I don't have the skill sets to speak into another person's life." I started to doubt my major. I started to doubt my whole career path. 

But God kept saying, "Trust me."

Okay. Sure. I'll trust you, God. But, I don't understand. I really don't understand, and I'm kind of mad about it. I want to serve Your children here at Grove City, but You keep shutting the door on every opportunity. 

Guys. I didn't say any magical prayer. I didn't wait with joy. I kind of pouted about it for a while. I was just confused and hurt. I had opened my heart up to people, and I felt stepped on. For a month, I just didn't want to talk to God anymore. I would try to journal or read the Word, but it confused me more than comforted me. I stopped playing guitar because I no longer yearned to worship a God who I couldn't seem to trust. I was sinning; I turned my back on Him.

Yet His love is more powerful than my sin. He loves me regardless of how sinful I am or how I treat Him. About two weeks ago, I started talking to God again. I kept asking God to give me hunger. I wanted to want Him again. It's interesting how when we think that we've taken two steps back, God is usually bringing us forward in our faith. I began to trust Him. I stopped worrying about things like getting a job this summer and where I would serve next year, and I simply worshiped the Lord. I worshiped Him regardless of how crappy I felt. It was out of obedience and thankfulness for all His gifts to me. I have a wonderful family. I get to go to Grove City College. I get to learn from women who serve the Lord with humble hearts in everything they do. 

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4
This verse became my theme. I needed to continue to delight in Him and not in what I desired. It was hard to let go of what I wanted, but God gave me the strength. Usually, when we don't get what we want, God is going to give us something much better. 

He did. He gave me intimacy with Him. He taught me that delighting in intimacy with him is more important than service job on campus.  God gave me an RA position, but I wouldn't have learned about His intimacy if I had found out as everyone else.  The women on the hall don't need me, but God wants me there. The timing was perfect in every way because it completely redeemed several hearts, mine included. 

So God is faithful. I wasn't expecting to actually get the position and more. God increased my trust in Him ten-fold, and He increased my desire to truly stay with Him even when life seems bleak. Most of all, He increased my faith in His promises, and peacefully resting in His intimacy is better than worrying or stress. Jesus is so good, and I'm so excited for the year to come. 

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