3.08.2012

My heart on the subject.

I want to change names in this story because I guess that's just the right thing to do.

Releasing John from my hands was hard. He was like this big present I carried around, but there was nothing good for me inside the present. It was a bunch of gifts meant for someone else. On the outside it seemed like everything inside would be good for me and happy to explore through. It ended up just being a bunch of gifts that were addressed to another person. I’m not bitter about what happened, in fact, I'm so glad that I was able to grasp my own personality through healing from this relationship. Here's my heart on the whole subject.

When John left for college my senior year of high school, I was really sad. I hoped for a relationship at some point, but it didn’t seem very likely. We sent letters, but I was getting more and more used to the idea that it was really done. Then, he came back for Christmas and gave me the impression he wanted more. Of course I wanted more, I liked him a lot! He really didn’t know what he wanted or what was right. After he left for school again, he ended up telling me he didn’t want a relationship with me. I sat there thinking, why did this happen again? What have I done wrong? Is there something I could have done better to look like a better match for him? I wanted to change myself so badly for someone who wasn’t going to be happy with me no matter what. That was completely wrong to think. When summer came and John yet again started to pursue me, I realized I didn’t want that anymore. I told him that I loved him, but we can’t hangout anymore. I don’t like to be pushed around. Then when we were about to leave for school, John expressed to me that he wanted to keep in touch. I agreed because I do care about him. Then he started to flirt, and I flirted back. I realized the same cycle was starting again. I told him that he needs to make a decision. He came back a month later and said, “I want to be just friends.” I told him two days later that I can’t be friends with someone who pushes me around. I didn’t want to talk to him any longer.

The relationship between John and I was long and hard, but I’m glad it happened. I don’t feel regret from it anymore, I’ve learned from it. I feel empowered by it. I started to move on from John once he left for school. I began a long healing process that had some relapsing, but I finally moved on from him last October. He’s a friend, with whom there have been rough spots, but I still talk to him and learn from him. He’s a brother in Christ.

Being single is a gift. You’re not focused on one person on earth, you’re focused on the Lord and your responsibilities. I truly valued that my senior year. I discovered the Lord as my dear Father in Heaven who loves me with the deepest passion. I’ve learned a lot this past year too. I’ve learned to forgive and communicate well with the ones you love and are living close to. I’m definitely not perfect, but the Lord has been teaching me to keep my humility and let His Spirit increase in my heart.