it's okay.

I feel independent. I feel like I'm not tied down by feelings or hurt. I feel like I can go to the Lord without so much baggage. It's so freeing. He is becoming the center. I'm helping my parents do things I wouldn't normally want to do. I just feel like myself again. I can breathe. I'm not severely sad all the time. It seems like things will be okay if I follow the Lord. If I just lay everything at His feet, I will be in the path of God's sovereign will.


i feel empty.

Everything that happened during the hike I took was amazing, but I came home and everything that had happened before sort of consumed me. I was brought back to reality. I feel like nobody cares and that I have no girlfriends to talk to. I cried out to the Lord about everything, and I asked Him to fill the empty places in my heart. I still feel empty.


walking the trail

So I went on the youth backpacking trip on part of the Appalachian trail for the past three days, and I didn't think I'd learn what I did.

As I walked up and down mountains it seemed as though I couldn't take another step with my blistering feet and aching muscles. But God showed me that His Spirit is more powerful than the flesh. The flesh doesn't want to do the hard work, and it wants to stop as soon as possible. The Holy Spirit, God's spirit, can push your body to do so much more though. After the first day of just 4 1/2 miles, I didn't think I could even stand the next day which included walking about 10 miles. I depended on the Lord's strength instead of my own from then on, and He amazingly gave it to me. I had never experienced His power in that way before. It made me realize that I'm so weak without Him whether it be physically or emotionally.

For a period of time I walked in front of Dan and Dustin during our hike, and Dan talked about how our hearts just want to get off the trail of life that God has for us. They flee and they make mistakes, but the Spirit brings us back and makes us holy which is so wonderful. I'm so glad that I have God's spirit inside of me to steer me in the right direction. When I hear what I could be without God I don't want to have anything to do with it because the Holy Spirit drives me that way. I'm so in awe of God's power and love for us. He really wants us to love Him.

Life was one of the most obvious things that I could observe during the whole hike. God is life. He creates so many things from tiny beautiful flowers to high majestic mountains. He knows each and every flower and each and every mountain. He also knows each and every plant that comes to life because He gives them life. The most wonderful thing is that He knows all of this, and He also knows each and every one of our hearts better than we know them. Every person in the world is known by Him. How amazing is that? To have a God so above everyone and everything. I love being a friend of an omniscient God.

Well.. I probably didn't explain it as well as I could have. I'm still a little lightheaded from the trip. Haha. Thank you for reading.


Dealing with Anger

So for the past day or so.. I've been having to deal with one of the most dangerous emotions.. anger. Love is dangerous too, but not when it's at the right time and everything. Anger, though, is very dangerous no matter what. It's not wrong to be angry, but the way you deal with it is very important. I guess I don't even know how to deal with anger correctly even as I write this blog. You probably thought that I had figured it all out when reading the title. I haven't though. All I know right now is that I need to keep giving it all to God. The more I keep it inside and the more I keep feeding the fire, and it just gets bigger and bigger and bigger. I think I dealt with it the wrong way today though because I haven't given it to God much, and I acted upon it in a wrong way. I don't think I have bad reasons to be angry, but I do think that I should not be as angry as I am now. The anger that God has with us is so much greater, and we deserve so much more suffering than what we experience now. The pastor at my church revealed that to me in Psalm 18:

7 The earth trembled and quaked,
and the foundations of the mountains shook;
they trembled because he was angry.

8 Smoke rose from his nostrils;
consuming fire came from his mouth,
burning coals blazed out of it.

9 He parted the heavens and came down;
dark clouds were under his feet.

10 He mounted the cherubim and flew;
he soared on the wings of the wind.

11 He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him—
the dark rain clouds of the sky.

12 Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced,
with hailstones and bolts of lightning.

13 The LORD thundered from heaven;
the voice of the Most High resounded.

14 He shot his arrows and scattered the enemies ,
great bolts of lightning and routed them.

15 The valleys of the sea were exposed
and the foundations of the earth laid bare
at your rebuke, O LORD,
at the blast of breath from your nostrils.

I guess God has a lot of anger seeing as to what Daniel could imagine up of the Lord. Thankfully the God I serve is a God of grace.

I know I'm not perfect, and I can never be perfect. I can strive to be a servant of the Lord, but I can't think of some formula to deal with anger the right way. The only action I can think of is pray and be faithful to the Lord. I will mess up, but that doesn't stop me from pursuing Him and submitting each day to Him.


I need prayer.

I seem to always come back to this blog whenever I feel alone. I'm not a consistent girl seeing as to why I don't post very much, and being inconsistent has really made my life hard. I fall away from God so much. It's depressing, really depressing. I feel so distant from Him now. I want to hate myself, but then I realize that the Devil wants me to feel like I can't get back up again. He wants to convince me that I can't have a relationship with God anymore because I've been horrible. That I'm too evil, or not holy enough, for the Lord. I can't think that. It's too dangerous. I pray that the Lord will reveal to me the truth, but I sometimes forget. Please pray for me.