I have a boyfriend.

And His name is Jesus.

Relationships are hard. Period.

They add a whole new plane to the balance of life. You have to guard your heart emotionally and physically. You have to spend time with friends and keep them close rather than spending all your time with the person you are dating. You have to know where the lines are in the relationship. You have to be able to communicate well. You have to be Christ-like and humble in all your actions towards them and others. You have to basically lay down your pride every single day.

I am very perceptive towards people. God blessed me with a discerning heart and an observing personality. I observe relationships. I observe how people interact, and I also look at my own experience.

These are some of the things I've seen:

Each person desires something out of the other. This expectation is the product of our language of love. Either one interprets love by touch, time, gifts, service, or affirmation. Too much of one of these can ruin a relationship and allow it to be an idol.

• Too much time can allow either person to put the other on a pedestal. This causes hurt not only within the hearts but also in other people around them. People are offended by losing their friend. Also, God is offended because someone has stolen the heart of his son or daughter that is rightly His is in the first place.
• Too much touch can cause hearts to harden and turn away from God. Future spouses feel robbed of the part of the heart that is given away physically to the previous broken relationship.
• Too many gifts can feed our pride. The girl can think she can take advantage of the guy and entice him to get her anything she wants. She's taking away money that is rightfully God's in the first place. This causes hearts to love materials rather than the Lord.
• Too much service is taking away the service we first owe to the Lord. Our hearts of service are for God, and if He asks us to bless one another then we obey. 
• Too much affirmation can pierce our faith. A girl can put too much weight on what a guy promises to her. A guy can have too much faith in himself to carry through.  We put our faith first in the cross, and that allows us to have faith in one another. 

People always say that, "You should put God first before the relationship." I never really understood what that meant. I thought it had something to do with praying and devoting time to God. It's really not about that. It's about laying down your built up pride about yourself, even backwards pride, which is thinking that you're so undeserving that you shouldn't have the blessings given to you, and making your day about the Lord. It's about serving God with both of your hands, and not with one hand holding someone else and one hand lifted to Him. Both hands of each individual are lifted, and both encourage one another to walk in purity and service to the Lord. 

Let His will be done.

I find college to be a very interesting concept.

We stick however many thousand young adults on a piece of land with buildings and make them learn something. Maybe they'll get a job for what they've learned. It's weird, but we put so much thought into one phase of our lives that could be better spent in other places. Although, I know I'm supposed to be here at Grove City serving the Lord. It's just odd how we decide to end up in such a place like this.

One of the most important aspects of a campus is community. Think about it. What really put you over the top to go to your college of choice? For some it's academics, for others it's doctrine, and for a lot it's about community. Most people that decide to go to Grove City say the community is one of its best aspects.

I chose Grove City mostly for the community. For an entire semester, I didn't really find it. I found friends, and I saw friend groups forming. I tried to do things with groups, but I found myself dissatisfied, still looking for intentional community. I didn't know why, but I felt really alone. Where was the passion and drive to act on the passions God has given us? Grove City seemed so stagnate to me for a while. I heard and talked a lot about Jesus, but I didn't see Jesus. I didn't see communities actually listening to God and seeking to live the way Jesus did. Everything that was said to me seemed so dry. Complacency threatened to take over my spiritual life.

One day, towards the end of first semester I went to my mailbox to check my mail, but who gets mail the day before they leave? A student on campus approached me asking if she could share with me what God had told her about me. I was amazed. I didn't know anyone on campus with that kind of boldness. So we sat down on the mailbox bench, and I listened to beautiful pictures that this passionate girl had for me. She shared with me encouraging words specific to my life... and she didn't even know me! She had just met me for goodness sake!

We prayed for an hour. It wasn't a bow our heads and pray for a good day prayer. It was a let's listen to God and hear what He would like to speak to our hearts prayer. This wonderful friend in Jesus spoke to me so many different words of wisdom. I was completely blessed. She brought me into a community that was exactly what I was seeking. God answered a prayer I didn't even necessarily pray! I just desired something, and He heard that desire. I've been diving in this community this whole semester, and I can't wait to experience more of the fullness of His Spirit. At Grove City, I never felt the sharing of the Spirit of God like I felt it that Saturday night.  It was open and completely God-honoring.

God works everything out in the end. Our choices about college and who we spend our time with is essentially not our own.  We just have to stop pretending we can control our own lives and leave it up to He who knows all things.

If you want to know more about the Spirit of God (and go to Grove City), come to Sticht Auditorium from 7 - 8:30 pm on Thursday, May 3 to hear a conversation on the Spirit of God between Dr. T. David Gordon and Jim Baker.

Changes

Wow.

God has changed me.

I just realized that I don’t say, “I feel loved,” all the time anymore. I used to say that all the time in high school. The Lord literally changed my heart. I don’t say that anymore because I know I am loved. The Father loves me perfectly, and he changed my heart in way that made me open to that. I was searching for it in the people around me before, but I refocused who I decided to recieve that love from first and foremost. I recieve it from the Lord. I depend on the Lord’s love for me rather than some guy or some friend that I may have.

Love is one of the most beautiful feelings we have for one another as people, and we all need it. The Lord is the only entity that provides the kind of love that helps us see beauty in ourselves, others, and most importantly the Lord himself. When He loves us and we accept that, He fills us with His Spirit. It’s absolutely amazing.

“And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, you may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” - Ephesians 3:17-19

My heart on the subject.

I want to change names in this story because I guess that's just the right thing to do.

Releasing John from my hands was hard. He was like this big present I carried around, but there was nothing good for me inside the present. It was a bunch of gifts meant for someone else. On the outside it seemed like everything inside would be good for me and happy to explore through. It ended up just being a bunch of gifts that were addressed to another person. I’m not bitter about what happened, in fact, I'm so glad that I was able to grasp my own personality through healing from this relationship. Here's my heart on the whole subject.

When John left for college my senior year of high school, I was really sad. I hoped for a relationship at some point, but it didn’t seem very likely. We sent letters, but I was getting more and more used to the idea that it was really done. Then, he came back for Christmas and gave me the impression he wanted more. Of course I wanted more, I liked him a lot! He really didn’t know what he wanted or what was right. After he left for school again, he ended up telling me he didn’t want a relationship with me. I sat there thinking, why did this happen again? What have I done wrong? Is there something I could have done better to look like a better match for him? I wanted to change myself so badly for someone who wasn’t going to be happy with me no matter what. That was completely wrong to think. When summer came and John yet again started to pursue me, I realized I didn’t want that anymore. I told him that I loved him, but we can’t hangout anymore. I don’t like to be pushed around. Then when we were about to leave for school, John expressed to me that he wanted to keep in touch. I agreed because I do care about him. Then he started to flirt, and I flirted back. I realized the same cycle was starting again. I told him that he needs to make a decision. He came back a month later and said, “I want to be just friends.” I told him two days later that I can’t be friends with someone who pushes me around. I didn’t want to talk to him any longer.

The relationship between John and I was long and hard, but I’m glad it happened. I don’t feel regret from it anymore, I’ve learned from it. I feel empowered by it. I started to move on from John once he left for school. I began a long healing process that had some relapsing, but I finally moved on from him last October. He’s a friend, with whom there have been rough spots, but I still talk to him and learn from him. He’s a brother in Christ.

Being single is a gift. You’re not focused on one person on earth, you’re focused on the Lord and your responsibilities. I truly valued that my senior year. I discovered the Lord as my dear Father in Heaven who loves me with the deepest passion. I’ve learned a lot this past year too. I’ve learned to forgive and communicate well with the ones you love and are living close to. I’m definitely not perfect, but the Lord has been teaching me to keep my humility and let His Spirit increase in my heart.

I think

I find myself thinking way too much. As I re-read notes from a class for an upcoming test, my thoughts wander, and I begin to think about what is going on around me rather than the piece of paper in front of me.

I think about why someone said a comment to me, or why that certain person acts the way they do. I end up making up this big fantasy in my head that simply should not exist. People are people, and I need to let them be people. My friends aren't always going to be completely honest with me, and I won't be completely honest to them. We fail each other all the time, but what redeems us is the cross. I can forgive the people that offend me because of Jesus' sufficient sacrifice, and they can forgive me for just the same reason.

I cannot dwell on the fact that people wrong me. I wrong people too. We are all people.

The one wrong thought that keeps coming into my head is the fact that I deserve to be given honesty with someone I am completely honest with. That's wrong. It all comes back to the fact that we were dishonest with Jesus from the beginning, but He knew us. He knows who we are, and how we've sinned.

I guess I need to marinate in all that's occurred this week. My thoughts seemed jumbled, and a blog post can do no better at helping me if I don't first dwell in the Word.

"But behavior in the human being is sometimes a defense, a way of concealing motives and thoughts, as language can be a way of hiding your thoughts and preventing communication."
-Abraham Maslow

it's okay.

I feel independent. I feel like I'm not tied down by feelings or hurt. I feel like I can go to the Lord without so much baggage. It's so freeing. He is becoming the center. I'm helping my parents do things I wouldn't normally want to do. I just feel like myself again. I can breathe. I'm not severely sad all the time. It seems like things will be okay if I follow the Lord. If I just lay everything at His feet, I will be in the path of God's sovereign will.

i feel empty.

Everything that happened during the hike I took was amazing, but I came home and everything that had happened before sort of consumed me. I was brought back to reality. I feel like nobody cares and that I have no girlfriends to talk to. I cried out to the Lord about everything, and I asked Him to fill the empty places in my heart. I still feel empty.